The Least Expected Thing

how to keep romance in your relationshipAs a relationship coach, I’ve spent a great deal of time trying to figure out what creates romance. Romantic gestures come in all shapes and sizes. Little things like a bouquet of flowers, and big things like a surprise proposal. But almost every romantic gesture I can think of has one thing in common.

They’re unexpected.

Spontaneity is what keeps the romance going strong. The question is how do you maintain spontaneity in your relationship? I’d like to suggest two things.

First, make it a point to do unexpected things for him. Guys don’t typically get excited about flowers and chocolates, so you may have to get creative here. Cook his favorite meal or take him to his favorite restaurant for dinner. Take him to watch the action flick you know he’s dying to see. If he’s a sports fan, tickets to see his favorite team are always a good call.

You don’t have to break the bank to pull this off. Maybe you can’t afford tickets to see his favorite team. Sporting events are pricey. But you could encourage him to have his friends over to watch the game and make sure he has a guilt-free afternoon of guy time.

My second suggestion isn’t all that different, but it’s just as powerful. Look for unexpected ways to communicate how you feel. I’m talking specifically about the words you choose.

Long-term couples say, “I love you” with so much frequency that it’s easy to forget how meaningful those words are. The phrase turns into a greeting and a goodbye. We’re almost on autopilot when we say it.

Instead of sticking to the tried and true, find new and different ways to tell him how much he means to you. Share a song with him that embodies your feelings. Tell him how you thought of him during the day. Tell him your life is better, fuller, and richer because he’s a part of it.

While I’d love just to give you a script to follow, that kind of defeats the purpose. You know your man, and you know yourself. Find unexpected ways to say “I love you” that fit both of you as a couple.

how to keep romance in your relationshipThe key is being spontaneous enough to do or say things that are unexpected.

Granted, I’m hardly the first person to make this observation, but it’s one of those truths we need to be reminded of from time to time. It’s ridiculously easy to fall into habits and lose that sense of whimsy.

If you want him to really understand how you feel, make sure your actions and your words include unexpected romantic moments. In my experience, that’s one of the best ways to keep the passion alive and strong.

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10 thoughts on “The Least Expected Thing

  1. Lori said:

    I have a question…. My boyfriend and I have been on a ” break ” for about four weeks. We’re praying for our relationship and guidance for the best choices for us. So, yesterday, I sent him a message asking him what I was really waiting for…. “where we stand” kinda question. A couple of hours later he responds with, ” I need time to sort of my emotions, we can talk tomorrow if you like. I had a rough day.” I send back ” I sure sorry to hear that. Its quite alright. I just need you help.” Is that right? And what if he doesn’t respond? whats the next move?

    • James Bauer said:

      Hey, Lori. For individualized help with applying concepts from the course, please join our private forum.

      It’s better to present a trigger for his hero instinct in isolation, rather than tagging it on to a complex interpersonal dynamic in which the two of you are sorting out the next steps for your relationship. But I think you’re on the right track. You may need to give him several doses in the form of opportunities to rise to the occasion and become the hero you want him to be in your life.

      • Lori Lin Hill said:

        But…. how do I do that? How do I engage him? I’m understanding the concepts which I’m studying but I’m not actually sure how to apply it! Please help!

  2. Maggie said:

    Thank you for ideas and insight into what keeps the momentum in a relationship. I really appreciate it! These ideas are so helpful.

    • James Bauer said:

      You’re welcome, Maggie. Thank you for the encouragement.


  3. Cate G said:

    My husband and I work completely different hours and don’t have a single day off in common. When I know I won’t be awake when he gets home, I try to leave oddball stuff on the front door for him. A handmade sign saying this is the world headquarters of his fan club, a funny cartoon, a note telling him there’s a treat in the microwave. He said he loves pulling up and seeing something hanging on the door!

    • James Bauer said:

      You’re good at this, Cate!

  4. teresa said:

    Very helpful reminder . Thank you.

  5. Cheryl Lawrence said:

    Thank you for having information to assist people that are experiencing difficult
    times in their relationship.

  6. jadine said:

    Love this article….it is universal and true in so many circumstances.

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